Try, Fail, Blame, Trouble


After many years of keeping the scars of special school in place (better the scar than the sight of blood again) I have reached a new stage of realisation through a few weeks of psychoanalysis/therapy/cognitive behaviour work

I went to special school or as they called it then a residential school for delicate children due to the presence of a physical impairment. I acquired a communication impairment and much later still, even after a few years of mainstreaming experienced some mental distress which i deal with today as i swing between depression and anxiety. Talking about this journey at a recent session i received and transmitted this information about my experiences.

I went to the first school after the pre-special school which I quite enjoyed. I attended breakfast after the first night and the schools rabbit killer commanded me to pour the tea with the very firm instruction that I could only use one hand. I obeyed. I shook, I missed the cups. We had a white tablecloth. i was horrified to see a brown stain land and spread – get bigger and bigger. I had failed. I revealed myself to be weak. I could now be blamed and experience trouble for my sins.

Later when it was discovered that i was not receiving an education my parents sent me to another special school in search of learning. Not wise. I was now the new kid again. My communication impairment had kicked in big time. Little Timmy laughed at me. I cried. PE Teacher asked why. I told him. He related the obvious. I was bigger, faster, heavier, harder than Little Timmy. If he laughed again I should deck him one and let that be the end of it. Little Timmy laughed. I decked him one. Timmy cried. I was caught. Sent to the head for punishment. I had failed. I was blamed. I was up for all kinds of troubles from the staff for my thuggish response (I was one to be watched) and from little Timmy’s well established fan club – all the little bullies from the weakest to the top.

I’m not that keen on meeting people. I’m not good for small talk. I don’t want to put myself in a position where i fail, become blamed and find. in the end of trouble. this is why i hide. This is why I cover up. This is what i want to remain hidden. This is what is inside me. It’s not a full picture.

I am a very successful system survivor. I train. I write. I photograph. I advocate. I express. I activate. I am multi-talented. I have a life experience that is so strong. I can do Disability equality Training standing on me head with one hand tied behind my back. I have good experience of advocacy and 20 years on I know a lot about it. I have led campaigns and joined in others. You get good experience, knowledge and talent when employing me. But there is much that is weak, that will go undisclosed – unless I choose to engage and fix it. This will bring in new strengths.

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