I define back then as segregated though this was a word I did not know then. Perhaps a better word would have been scared.
I define not much later than then as mainstream though this was a word I did not know then. A better word might have been scared.
I define also by those things that I have no wish to define as. Mommy’s Boy. Of this, of cause, I was scared.
I define by sense of vision, dreams that creep up on me from time to time. Aspirationally speaking I summon up independent living though this again is a phrase I did not know then and fear advised how best to achieve it for me.
In a certain place at a certain later time I invented the acronym GRAILLIE which demanded inclusion though I would never waste my time saying what the grail was but believe me it was a badge well worth living.
I then defined by size, impairments and class and this came on strong with a sense of self, acceptance thereof and rejection of all those who heard it but found it somewhat scary. A clenched fist and flashing of a finger. Aggressively stating take me like this or take me not at all. The loss is yours and doesn’t scare me
I defined by work I did and work I wished to do, underpinned these words with statements of more anger, some strength and an almost absent sense of pride. I was getting stronger. Stepping out from fear. Taking it on the chin in the front line not on the chin behind locked doors. The fear evaporated.
What came next the chicken or the egg? Neither. Just a sense I’d pinned myself in with words with myths and that there was a life out there that I could live. A life there for the taking.
This morning I put the words behind me. This morning I squash internal myths. This morning I step out into drizzly autumn, kicking up the leaves and watching colours sparkle


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