The Many Haiku’s of The Newt

newt

10,000 piggies
BallsJup can’t save their bacon
They will soon be chopped

Save The Pigs campaign
Complain about BallsJup’s lies
Stop telling porkies

(18.10.21. Catching up on the slaughter of pigs due to no drivers, etc)

We got a deal done
On the word of an englishman
Who signed the papers

And now look at him
Wanting to tear it all up
Something wrong BallsJup

Those nasty europeans
The  French and Germans
Can they save us now

(13.10.21 Its all going wrong and now Europe is trying to bail us out. BallsJup still on ‘foreign’ holiday)

Nasty report out
BallsJup is on holiday
The sands not sticking

(12.9.21. Plus ca change. Shit hits the fan. Boris is on holiday)

Dummy Raab! Justice!
A tautology
Or Oxbridge Moron

It doesn’t add up
Gavin Williamson
Expelled

R Jenrick MP
Housing Secretary
Evicted

Justice for Afghans
Not bloody likely
They ruined his holidays

Justice for Jenrick
Accused of corruption
Again not likely

Liz Truss moves from trade
To Foreign Office
She knows her onions

(15.9.21. Cabinet reshuffle)

They all look the same
Choose Gavin Williamson
From dim tory boys

Turn them migrants round
Said Patel to Border Force
Keep my parents out

(9.9.21. Williamson identifies Itoje as Rashford / Patel issues illegal advice to stem flow of refugees)

The schools return
To the government a test
It keeps on failing

(3.9,21 Kids are back to school, covid infections set to rise, government solution…. open a window)

BallsJup says he’s proud
The Afghanis are burning
Dumb Raab’s still sleeping

(30.8.21 The west claiming victory in defeat whilst the world turns paranoid over western failure)

BallsJup recalls house
Wanting a long windy chat
Ruins Raab’s repose

(19.8.21 – On the Afghanistan debate)

Ancient habitats
Full of life and history
Replaced by railways

Slow ecology
The centuries of a tree
Versus HS2

Dig us a coal mine
Source us fossil fuel you fool
Planet is burning

(9.8.21 Alok Sharma MP gets a mention from Greta Thunberg. The Newt says it better)

Isolate BallsJup
Covid is irrelevant
We just can’t stand you

BallsJup is with child
Carrie carries the real weight
Of expectation

(8.8.21 holiday season – all is quiet on the western front)

Facebook not racist
Football not racist
BallsJup racist

Bans don’t stop racists
BallsJup won’t stop them
Law, education, helps us

Helps us
Survive them
Survive BallsJup

Survive BallsJup
Kicking balls up
Into empty space

(17.7.21 BallsJup like Prince George got a free ticket to the match. We shouldn’t give him a free ticket to talk shit)

BallsJup talks football
With customary flair of
Millwall supporters

BallsJup tells racists
To crawl under the stone
He just vacated

BallsJup takes his knee
Into the groin of football
Escapes sending off

BallsJup wears the shirt
A ringmaster loves his flag
Trampled by clowns

St George slew dragons
Prince George ponced tickets
Off the FA’s president

So. What’s wrong with that
Future kings can kiss my arse
Not real supporters

How much did you pay
For that old school tie
That gets best seats in the house

Nepotism still wrong
As sucking up
To money and to status

(12.7.21. BallsJup and Prince’s gets the Newt’s goat for approach to football)

You do as I say
But don’t do as I will do
Hypocrite Halfcock

Halfcock, he’s useless
Must keep him in employment
Moral-less BallsJup

Tough on pandemics
The Austerity Chancellor
Welcome Savage Jav

(28.6.21 Catching up on the Halfcock scenario)

Lies damned lies. Damn Lies
Cummins, Halfcock or BallsJup
Which one is lying

History dictates
The one who lies best
Comes out of the wash cleanest

BallsJup pedigree
Makes him clear leader
Jumps over moral hurdles

Halfcock is scapegoat
Trailing close behind
Sullied by BallsJup hoof prints

Cummins the tadpole
Wanted not to be a frog
Lied about Europe

Lies damned lies. Damn lies
Cummins, Halfcock or BallsJup
Which one of these lied?

(28.5.21 English politics loses compass in patina of lies and counter truths)

He freed Dominic Cummins
Freed Priti Patel
Free Major BallsJup?

(29.4.21 BallsJup retains the final say on his innocence – or otherwise. Which way will the pennies drop)

The Chatty Rat speaks
In asides and whispers
Of incompetence

The conservative party
Slides into sleazpe
With the utmost of ease

The chattiest rat of all
Uses foul language
Pile em high BallsJup

(24.4.21-26.4.21 Who said what? Conspiracy, revenge, et tu Brutes)

Dyson putting money
Above and beyond people
Dying of Covid

Football Supporters
From Chelsea and Man City
Ate the super rich

People win  class wars
Working with one another
When the time is right

(21st April Cronyism versus people. Fans versus oligarchs. People line up. Take sides. A war is coming)

Its competition
Not cronyism
According to Cameron

Meanwhile Pratt Halfcock
Was enjoying a drink
With Barman and Cameron

Health Secretary
Caught out at least twice
Spending to much time drinking

This is my complaint
We are much too interested
In this family

We put our beliefs
In castles and fairy tales
That disappoint us

Year following year
Invest in nobs not people
Anus horriblis

(15.4.21 both sets written during the week of the Cameron lobby scandal and the nation’s 8 days of mourning for Philip – too busy with birthdays to commit to blogging)

The Newt’s first monoku:

Conspirators insist illuminati exist; Philip doesn’t

Illuminati
Not feeling too bright today
His lights have gone out

His racist tongue stilled
By obsidian reaper
Snuffing out candles

Dear Liz, Never mind
I don’t mean to be unkind
But I just don’t care

Tell BallsJup his speech
About this great nations’ loss
Doesn’t apply here

(9.4.21. A series of haikus called ‘The Duke Is Done – Turn Him Over’ written on the day Prince Philip’s death was announced)

Hostage to fortune
Death count, economic loss
Shielders pay the cost

Health and beauty
Customers have to wear masks
Defeats the object

(7.4.21. Racing towards release from lock down the new normal BallsJup presents as cautious, doesn’t want to promise it will all be over by xmas or that we’ll do well to get away with 20,000 dead forgetting the costs have already been paid. The Newt is also amused about the health and beauty rules not that he needs any).

His racist ramblings
Mouths misogynist
Trumpian oratory

(1.4.21 BallsJup doesn’t agree with all of the findings in a govermental report on race which is said to be racist and celebrates Britain’s involvement in slavery, We presumes he has his favourite bits).

Wave your flags of red, white, blue
Tease those refugees
Traveling high seas

To find shores like these
Full of broken promises
To its own people

End food poverty
Stop children facing the same
Foreigners to blame?

So shelter beneath your flag
The one you’re waving
At those you stole from

(25.3.21 Some fuss about some tattered rag on the morning following Priti Patel’s hardline brutality)

If royal family
Provides shelter for paedophile
Archie best stay gone

Cameron lobbies
Sunak. Planting his size 9
In BallsJup’s black bog

Proves no one is best
No one is better
The Tory Party corrupts

Have a second home
Take a holiday
It’s the Stanley Johnson clause

(23.3.21 Maybe a last view on the Meghan saga – some hopes. Some people ask would Cameron, the weak maleficent, who handed 50 grumbling tories Brexit, have made a better prime minister at this time than BallsJup. His lobbying puts him in the Boris bog who wants to make sure  his Dad is ok).

Respect from the Newt
Rebellious lizard-like
For one of his own

Fitted with a new lizard heart
Recuperate
Illuminati

Go home to palace
To oppose the WOKE
The scales fallen from our eyes

(16.3.21 Prince Phillip goes home after MOT month in hossie) (MOT = Mode Of Transformation)

BallsJup has announced
He wants to keep women safe
So he’s staying in

(13.3.21 BallsJup previously reported to the police for domestic abuse now wants to keep women safe)

Madame Guilottine
Viva La Revolution
Off with Royal Heads

Ask BallsJup to talk
Racism and Mysogyny
He’s expert at both

The power of WOKE
Reveals the hypocrisy
Of institutions

Enough to drive us
Bleeding heart liberals
Right off our heads

(11.3.21. That interview fall out keeps on giving but for anyone to think that BallsJup should give us a talk on race or sex is preposterous given his record)

Oprah’s interview
Montage of Daily ‘hate’ Mail
Spreading racism

Harry’s announcement
Phillip wasn’t the racist
At least not this time

Harry’s previous
Employment, killing arabs
Not really racist

The royal family
Anachronistic breeders
Keep the blood line white

England. Racist state
Inhabitants vote Brexit
Keep the germ uns out

Keep the germ uns out
Harry’s nazi uniform
Swastika arm bands

No Meghan comment?
Is that because I’m racist?
Careless disinterest?

(8.3.21 The Royal Family described as racist institution. Quelle Surprise)

Coffee for nurses
Half a cup for the strangers
Living overseas

(8.3.21. Reflections of Tricky Sunkcacks Budget. Cuts to the NHS and International Aid)

He Doesn’t Count, Like We Do

BallsJup full of beans
One twenty four thousand dead
Do not feel too pleased
You are a self centred fool
Can’t possibly care
Only you matter its true
Useless waste of time
No one believes you
Tory Twatman of the year

(4.3.21. I’m told BallsJup was saying he’s full of beans having given up cheese and chocolate and he’s as fit as he’s ever been. Well good for him. Don’t cry no crocodile tears for the bodycount fool)

Unclever wordplay
Who needs Yemenis
With Sauds like these

That’s what BallsJup said
When Foreign Secretary
Unclever wordplay.

(2.3.21 Yemen in the news this week and words come back to haunt BallsJup)

Killer pesticides
Attack honey bees
With government permission

All for sugar’s sake
Promoted by industries
Obesity win

During health crisis
Where diabetic victims
Fall prey to Covid

Start to think things through
And prioritise the bees
Then claim you are green

(28.2.21 Countryfile report on Wildlife Trust legal challenge to gov’t decision to bring back outlawed pesticide. BallsJup’s green credentials questioned again)

Back to his school desk
Too old, Too fat to sit at
Has he learned lessons

Science gave a shield
Halfcock took an axe to it
Hacked giant pieces

Flammable cladding
Recommended for Grenfell
By a company

Tories privatised
Into a money motive
Red blue on blue hands

(24.2.21. Yesterday The Newt heard BallsJup talking shields after doing yet another promo from a school desk. Meanwhile in a more serious non promo setting a company man says privatising his agency inspired profit motives. The implication being tories care about money but money couldn’t care less).

BallsJup gets it right
But we hold reservations
History Lessons

(23.2.21 BallsJup’s roadmap out of lock down is encouraging but he’s made so many mistakes we cannot be over confident or afford to praise him in the slightest)

Criminal classes
From Whitehall to Westminster
Law makers/breakers (delete as appropriate)

(22.2.21 Media finally catching up with fridays legal decision. The secretary of state acted illegally.)

Don’t care about trees
Tories put their money first
Shruggers not huggers

(19.2.21 ‘Shruggers not huggers’ seen in letter to Guardian. BallsJups green credentials in doubt)

Roadmap. Sneak Preview.
Sacrifice…. British People
Stammer. Blah. Blah. Blah

(19.2.21 Stop Press. BallsJup’s Roadmap leaked here)

Duster in his hand
Now he’s cleaning chairs
Prime Ministers new duties

Says he’s like OJ
What he doesn’t know
Is OJ only killed one

(18.2.21 Ballsjup visits Cwmbran Vax Centre and disenfects chairs for the cameras. Phoney and knowing as fuck)

Todays’s Guardian
Talks of Newt Counters
Ballsjup’s green credentials

Doesn’t have any
Only says he does
Counterfeit green warrior

HS2 Problem
Eleven ancient woodlands
Digging protestors*

(17.2.21 The Newt re-engages with environmental issues. *as in liking/double meaning)

Hashtag PPE
Conservatives cashing in
Money for old tropes

Look the old school tie
Is smelling very corrupt
Did you go to Eton

(17.2.21 Recent reminders of corrupt practice early in the pandemic / BallsJup giving to his friends)

She won’t take the knee
This woman dealing race cards
From the Home Office

She’s not BAME enough
From a house of privilege
Married to whitey

Once upon a time
“A Paki in the playground”
She heard all the taunts

Now she has changed
Illegal immigrants afloat
She will keep you out

(16.2.21 Priti Patel wouldn’t take the knee and thinks BLM protests are dreadful)

(15.2.21. 60% covid deaths, disabled people, people with learning disabilities 6x more likely to die of covid than any other group. Add this to deaths associated with Universal Credit and you have to wonder).

newtSupport the front line
Where NHS Workers work
Never trust a tory

Health care, social care
Consult disabled people
Voices  must be heard

(11.2.21 Pratt Halfcock makes another move on the NHS. What he’s talking about has to be addressed. Disabled People have been stung for many years on the distinction between health and social care. Hear our voice. Never trust a tory).

Go on holiday
Don’t plan your holiday
Stay where you are go

Van Der Leyden has balls
Admits to making mistakes
BallsJup is a cunt

(11.2.21 Tory holiday confusion, EU clarity)
Makes no apologies
For his corona measures
Who’s he talking to?

(Tory) Libertarians
Promoting rights to freedom
To kill all others

(Pratt Halfcock on passing quarantine rules 12 months too late)
When a liar speaks up
Gives glib assurances
Should we  believe him

Elbow pushing idjit
Nudge nudging around UK
In orange hard hats

Hard hats and white scrubs
Blue tie, his shirt sleeves rolled up
On NHS wards

BallsJup works cameras
It beats thinking about things
Making things better

(8.2.21 I’m sick of seeing BallsJup doing publicity rounds during a pandemic)

The vaccine grabber
Dirty grubby hands reach out
Full of tattoo-ed lies

(8.2.21 News last week slowly filters through. We have bought more vaccines than we need. Others are going without. Its a pandemic Fat Chops. That means world wide. Close the borders).

Job Centre waiting
Take responsibility
As you say you will

(26th Jan 2021 Covid death toll tops 100,000. Johnson says he will take full responsibility)

Major BallsJup rides
Into Olympic Village
Get him on his bike

Investigate this
Print civil service report
Could he sack himself?

(12.01.21 BallsJup breaks local Covid restrictions and its ok but not for everyone else getting fined by the police)

Oven ready deal
Its time to talk some turkey
More gobbledygook

(Xmas eve Major BallsJup seems to have struck a deal of sorts)

BallsJup looking sick
On phone to Von Der Leyen
He has no chance there

(14.12.20 Staged photos of Ballsjup making phone calls make Newt consider BallsJup’s famed proclivities)

Tail between his legs
For fucking up the country
And spawning bastards

(11.12.20 Major Bozza BallsJup is shunned by European leaders who can’t deal with those they can’t trust)

When you cry Halfcock
Which of the 60,000
Names do you grieve most?

Do you know the names?
Do phantoms visit your dreams?
Do you have the list?

When the dead visit
Talk about their families tears
Do they forgive you?

As Ballsjup’s Patsy
Have you felt the weight
Of all the people crying?

(8.12.20 Matt Hancock cries on TV on day of first vaccination. He has reason to)

Christmas is coming
Holiday planning
A chance to kill off more plebs

Look over yonder
The cavalry are coming
Kill more indians

Appointed cowboys
To stockpile our PPE
From rags to riches

(25.11.20 A busy week for BallsJup. Caught out favouring friends for contracts, confusing vaccinations with horse soldiers and then coming up with plans to ruin christmas)

pp

bj
19.11.20 Scottish polls not good for Boris

He’s not very quick
Some argue he’s a bit thick
He’s been slow again

(1/11/20 Come Thursday estimates say Lock Down will be 17 days late costing lives. Speed of Boris Ball’sJup’s reactions a common criticism)

Ms Patel regrets
Immigrant deaths by drowning
Sends out a gun boat

(2 adults and 2 child immigrants drown in the english channel)

Spot hospital soap
Branded for Brexit leader
Called Gojo. Bojo?

Rebel Northerners
Take failing BallsJup to task
So go Bojo now

(20.10.20 Newt sees funny hygiene product on news and reads it as a sign whilst Ballsjup deomstrates bullying stance to the north and a business association. Not a good sign in a leader)

Signs of leadership
In Ireland, Scotland and Wales
Not tory England

He’s still on his feet
Standing firm just like jelly
Next BallsJup wobble

(14.10.20 Firm action across the union. Tory describes BallsJup as standing firm)

Two points short this plan
This three point plan of the Major’s
Fails clarity test

Two points short again
These three tiers from BallsJup
Fails strategy test

What’s he playing at
Coming out with more nonsense
Flakey TV coup

(12.10.20 BallsJup presents old Covid plan as if a new plan)

Whilst in the shires
A housing algorhythm
Is causing despair

The lords and ladies
Of would be country houses
Are now asked to share

They who had it good
Are eco warriors now
Fighting Wringneck’s blight

Its a pretty sight
These tremourous tory knights
Viewed from this Newt pond

(11.10.20 Theresa May, Jeremy Hunt, Chris Grayling oppose ‘Build, Build, Build’)

Fiend Ugly Patel
Sending migrants overseas
More boat rides ahead

Fiend Ugly Patel
Described as nasty bully
Where’s the inquiry?

(2.10.20 Ugly Patel makes the news on grounds of policy and behaviour)

He’s not behind you
Panto dames oh no he’s not
He prefers real farce

Sir Lindsay Hoyle speaks
Talks of government contempt
Inside Parliament

(30.9.20 two minor stories that some might dismiss; Panto dames campaigning for arts funding and the speaker accusing the government of contempt)

Get it right Ballsjup
For Christ sake don’t get it wrong
Don’t go mis-speaking

Show some common sense
Show some common decency
Newt asks the wrong man

(29.9.20 Boris speaks to prove he hasn’t got a clue)

Halfcock’s test and trace
Loads of capacity if
People don’t use it                      9.9.2020

Rats love sinking ships
No respect for protocol
Laws go overboard

Tory way revealed
“Limited and specific”
Feed the hungry rich         (Ballsjup’s top lawyer resigns as gov’t prepare
to break international laws 8.9.2020)
Tony Abbot is a sign
Of Ballsjup’s respect
Two misogynists                                         5.9.2020

Domi Rob insists
On full investigation
Putin running scared

Explain that away
Your Domi Rob now demands
Today straight away

We must hear true words
It so goes without saying
That’s how it should be                  (Raab and Novalny Novochok case 4.9.20)

Pillockson’s beating
Took place at an enquiry
Ofqual did him in                                                      (also 2.9.2020)

They, the BBC
And Ballsjup demonstrating
Black Lives don’t matter

Sing Rule Britannia
Sing Land of Hope and Glory
Imperial shite

Fascists learn their lines
Their classical renditions
The Blues have their night          (The BBC bows to Ballsjup 2.9.2020)

A very low risk
Is not one Ballsjup would take
One for the people                                     (back to school/work 1.9.2020)

Sixty four million meals
At £10 per meal
1 hefty tax bill

Paid by working class
To support middle class spread
More hefty waist lines

War on obesity
Traced to chicken at Nandos
The Ballsjup meal deal

Meanwhile back at the food bank
The poor stand in line
To be called scroungers                       (The last day of the £10 meal deal – 31.8.2020)

Our Dope and Worry
This cringing embarrassment
Our Prime Minister                (Rule Britannia/Land of Hope and Glory furore 25.8.2020)

That fat trampling man
In a rare flower meadow
Did he pitch his tent

Landowner charges
He didn’t have permission
To defile the land

What Ballsjup assumes
Through entitled sense of self
Bad news for nature                         About Ballsjup camping holiday 22nd August 2020

(5 haikus on the political class)

Sorry mutations
Who can’t give opinions
Risk saying nothing

Toady up to leader
Easy sets at question time
A shameful turn out

The opposition
Are wilted through division
And smaller numbers

Ask proper questions
Ballsjup only lets you have
Deeper frustrations

Lie on pool bottom
Fomenting revolution
Our time comes one day                                                                20th August 2020

An external threat
By the name of Pratt Halfcock
Compromising health

The Newt celebrates
Another tory u turn
Ballsjup flips then flops (potential chorus)                                18th August 2020

Public Health England
Conservative MP’s Wife
Interchangeable

Whiff of corruption
Disinfecting corridors
Of fetid power

Privatisation
Of NHS coming to
Health centre near you

Raving Pillockson
Calibrates algorithms
A night of long knives

16th August 2020

Changing the death count
Manipulating figures
Makes Ballsjup look bad

This is what we learned
At school today about maths
It doesn’t add up

Ballsjup makes the grade
Hard for children to obtain
He’s such a waster

13th August 2020

If you get things wrong
Confidence in governance
Leads to recession

If you have no job
And money is very tight
Cut back  on spending

Ballsjup’s message is
Get out now and spend, spend, spend
To whom does he talk

Chancellor Nutsac
Who gives to those folk who have
Not to us who don’t

12th August 2020

A comparison
This is safe This is low risk
Are these two the same                    (Ballsjup announcing return to school as a priority)

Keep the pubs open
Ask people not to visit
Close the schools and pubs

Then open the pubs
To feed the economy
Stay away from school

September return
But we may have to close pubs
Let us know later                                                          (Tory commitment to clarity)

World beating system
A calculated failure
Risking many lives

A Spanish spike
Results in travel advice
Many months too late

Blue border contol
Quick cross the English Channel
Ugly welcomes you

This Ugly Patois
Planning welcome committee
For channel migrants

A new improved border force
Is like the old one
A bit more hostile

Ugly is checking
The hostile environment
Can she puncture boats

Ballsjup goes legal
His big chance to change the rules
Send the blighters back

Ugly on a boat
With private photographer
Making bad pictures

10th August 2020

Jenrick is Wringneck
Growth, Renewal, Protection
Planning levels change

Growth is a green light
For an attack on the Newt
Without protection

No social housing
Rip up planning permission
Wringneck’s way forward

Newt renews his pledge
To fight, observe and comment
Watch out for Wringneck

Wringneck took money
Its been well documented
Ballsjup allows it

Rape and corruption
Defining this government
Is this what we want?

Reintroducing
Conservation News
A beaver on the Otter

Is allowed to stay
In friendly environment
Without a passport

6th August 2020


BallsJup is away
On another holiday
That man hates to work

5th August 2020

BallsJup will deny
Closing the borders
Would have made us all safer

4th August 2020


Do not underestimate
BallsJup’s achievements
Pushing up death rates

Forty Six Thousand
Do not underestimate
BallsJup’s achievements

3rd August 2020


Liar. Pants on fire
This is a symptomatic
BallsJup condition

31st July 2020

Nicola Sturgeon
Talks too much for the Tories
North of the border

That Major Ballsjup
Hardly works at all for us
South of the border

28th July 2020

Dominic Raab slow
Slow, Slow, erm! not quick, slow, slow
Slow Dominic Raab

Grant Shapps is in Spain
England’s loss no Spanish gain
Boring no score draw

26th July 2020

Robert Jenrick moves
People towards slum housing
Using PDR
(PDR = Permitted Development Rights)

Anti-Vaxxers Nuts
Deploying negative words
A skill of BallsJup

BallsJup looks obese
On an obesity drive
With ten pound tokens

24th July 2020

Give Chris Failing Job
Intelligence committee
We are dumbing down

21st July 2020

The Newt is quiet
Today, watching and waiting
Looking for BallsJup

From the Newt pond 17th July 2020

He makes May look good
Who made Cameron look good
How low can we go

Deregulating
Tories expect you to work
For fewer pound notes

Both from the depths of the Newt pond 16th July 2020

Crest resisting waves
Of great BallsJup turbulence
Whilst boldly surfing

From a deeper depth of the Newt pond 14th July 2020

The Newt will create
A great Newt Modeled Army
Combat destruction

With our crest and all
We will survive that BallsJup
Heading for a fall

Both from an even deeper depth of the Newt Pond 12th July 2020

Deregulation
Disrupting the great newt’s pond
The Great Newt stirring

From the deepest depth of the Newt Pond 11th July 2020 / Up the Newts

The Newt exists because BallsJup doesn’t want him to.

The Newt stands against tory deregulation harming the environment

The Newt is very vengeful. BallsJup started it. BallsJup will get it.

BallsJup came into being when he called someone ‘Captain Hindsight’. Thus earning the moniker Major BallsJup. He was previously referred to has Boris Johnson.

Other characters are making an appearance; Prissi Nutsac (Rishi Sunak), Ugly Patois (Pritti Patel), Robbing Wringneck (Robert Jenrick), Raving Pillockson (Gavin Williamson), Chris Failing (Chris Grayling).

The Newt writes haikus because the haiku focuses on nature and The Newt has his own nature.

BallsJup The Newt Is Watching you

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Photo Challenge; Squeezebelly Lane

Here is the photograph I sought poetic responses to.

No photo description available.

The response was disappointing. Even me own poem wasn’t so great. Here it is:

I live a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane


I live a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane
Where believe it or not suns always shine
Where there is no need for standing in line
Where there’s nobody doing in my brain
I live a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane

A million miles from the Tees and Tyne
Where we all play Tom’s Heart Attack and Vine
Away from the angles, saxon’s and danes
I live a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane

Where a man named Boris read all the signs
Did himself in diving Maggie’s last mine
Or at least no one took credit or blame
Living a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane

Where all of the tories drown in the brine
Where all oppressors are kneed in the groin
Where all of our losses turn into gains
Living a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane

Where I send an invite so genuine
For you all to be there. Yes you can join
The non religious denominations
Living a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane

Kit Wells however did sing in a song

Don’t Squeeze Me ‘til I’m Yours

Went down the pub the other night‘
ad too many bevvies, gotta bit tight
Big blonde bird got me in her paws
Said, ‘’ands off darling, don’t come closer
Just like the sign in the old greengrocer
Don’t squeeze me ‘til I’m yours’
Don’t squeeze me ‘til I’m yours

Get yer hands orf me schmutter
I’ve been heard to mutter
Your heart may be in a flutter
Leave it out! Get back in the gutter
Don’t squeeze me ‘til I’m yours

My girlfriend down our street
Pretty and reet petite
Doing her daily chores
Let her throopney bits dangle
Got’em caught up in the mangle
I said ‘Don’t squeeze’m ‘til I’m yours!’

Up West one night with me mates
Got into dire straights
I was really in the wars
One of the our attackers
Grabbed me by the knackers
I said, ’Don’t squeeze’m, they’re not yours!’

I was working down the fairground
It’s easy money I have found
And it’s much better outdoors
There’s pretty girls there besides
On the dodgems and the rides
Don’t squeeze’m ‘til they’re yours

At the fair there’s loads of rockers
One their girls had great big knockers
I had one hand down her drawers
The other one on her tits
She wasn’t thrilled to bits
Said, ’Don’t squeeze’m, they’re not yours!’

I said ‘Babes, you’re a beauty
I’ve never had such a cutie’
But it never rains, but it pours
But right there and then I come
When I was fondling her bum
She said, ’Don’t squeeze it, it ain’t yours!’

Which i think is quite naughty and makes me feel suspect to even report on.

The dapper chap Christopher Mangen on the other hand saw similiarities with a big hit and responded

Goodbye Squeezebelly Lane,
You’re so very fat and I’m so vain,
I can see you, I can see you.
Eat some blackberries today, but don’t forget to ‘Move’ a little way.
Use a stick or if you wish a cane, but take a walk down Squeezebelly Lane.
I can see you, I can see…….

I sought to persuade him to finish the pastiche. We got as far as this

Don’t plagiarise other peoples’ songs,
It might cause a stink or quite a pong,
Phono. Soc. rings on your door,
“Pay a royalty or we’ll make you poor”,
Sneaking behind the sofa is of no use,
Man from Phono. Soc. sees through your ruse,
“I can see you, I can see you”
Through the mailbox, he shouts his abuse.

Even the mighty Tony Beckingham flopped

Sqeeze belly roll
Easy squeezy lemon drizzle cake
Belly pork fritters
Zebedee boings
Over the roundabout
And runs down the lane

All in all a travesty of a challenge. Can you make it better

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Three Things I Really Talked About This Week

Talked is a bit far fetched. There is an implication someone is there, listening and maybe responding. Much of the talk is in my head. It gets out. Technology allows it to. Zoom, Social Media. But even then I may still be talking to myself. I could check my analytics if i knew how to, to see if anyone is really following me. Regardless….

One

Yesterday I completed a set of three workshops working with young disabled artists on behalf of DASH -Disability Arts in Shropshire. For me it was the best of the three. Less possessed with techno gremlins but importantly I had found my voice. During the first two sessions I felt a little weighed down by content. I had two hours each session to go through self identification, the history of the Disability Arts Movement, Introducing the Social Model of Disability (usually a one day course) and my experiences as an activist whilst also throwing in some of my poetry. I had been on holiday the previous week and found the time to think through how I was going to do it this time. I looked at my hats in boxes labelled artist, trainer and plumped for the third one… activist. All my hat boxes contain passion but my activist hat is the one i feel most energetic, engaged under and I think is the hat that others respond to.

Note on self identification. Did I say the workshop was with young disabled artists. I found that very few participants identified as such. Many retained a preference for identifying in accordance with their impairments particularly those Dave Lupton recently denoted as newly emerging groups (very short and thoughtful article).

Two

A big question of the year as been what is WOKE, why and wherefore the WOKE WARS. War. Conflict. Its about taking sides innit? Instinctively I have plumped for WOKE UNITED. Come on your WOKE WARRIORS. Young people. Passionate People. The type who care and are concerned about the planet, social justice, race relations. Those whose voices are clearly with the oppressed. Those whose voices are clearly against the haters. Our government hate them. I don’t go as far as to hate the government but you know…..

So am i WOKE? I don’t think so. Not quite and not quite yet. For a start i’m old enough to be someone’s grandad. But two things have made me sit up in my armchair and cheer and clap my hands. COME ON YOU WOKE WARRIORS. Did I say I’d been on holiday? Whilst away a nagging voice was having a go at young people, illiciting all their faults, disclaiming their woes and suddenly I found myself saying isn’t it us, aren’t we the ones who made the shithole we live in. I suddenly felt like my old friend grandma Sedley Bryden who was never short of opinions supporting the coming generations. Back home I decided to go through a social media account of one of the haters to see who and what he hated this week (after all its Wimbledon fortnight) and there it was….. hatred of the WOKE. I tried to engage this anti-woke in conversation (“grandad you love your kids. they’re millennials, snowflakes. Why do you want to slag them so”). Anti-grandad doesn’t want to know. The mistakes the WOKE GENERATION have made stick in his craw and that’s enough to raise the hate. So come on you WOKERs. This old man’s got your backs (mostly).

Three

As an older man or as someone else would have it an elder (not an alderman) I can still cast my decrepit mind back and remember a time when the word was LOVE, peace signs and far out. Some friends who respond to my facebook prompts have had a bad week. From this distance all I can offer is love and i can only offer that by talking. So, i talk LOVE.

love letter from a sunflower

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A Crow

Big black bird pecking
At food concealed in plastic
Intellectual

Last week I did an online workshop. Crow says ‘I do workshops’. At the end when giving thanks someone said; ‘it was like having a celebrity in the room’. I said ‘stop it’ and later paused for thought.

The workshop was on Disability Arts and the Social Model of Disability. Come next June I will have been attached to the movement one way or another for 30 years. The people i did the workshop for, DASH; must have been saying something akin to original activist…. there since the start of it.

I felt like an elder states person and mailed a friend to celebrate this. She came back to say; ‘you underestimate the impact you have on people’ or ‘you don’t realise the impact you have’. Something like that. Shortly afterwards i receive a fabulous reference. Crow says; ‘I have impact and I get references’.

Next day I speak to my mentor. Crow says; ‘I have a mentor’. I talk to him about having successfully bid for a grant from Future Ventures Foundation. I’m not crowing. I’m asking is it useful to tell people i have been given a grant. He says; ‘crow about it’.

A new collaborator mails me to tell me we have won a grant from DIsability Arts Online Covid Commissions. Crow says; ‘i have a second grant’.

The first person I talked about mailing above has written me a grant application to the Arts Council. Such great support. Crow says; ‘Talk to the robin bob bob bobbing. You don’t know nothing yet’.

Crow says i’m no bird
I don’t flutter. I don’t fly.
Crow is just a word.

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Photo Challenge; Street Art Cafe

Please feel free to add your own lines below. All contributions will be re-blogged on Disability Arts Online one day in the future. Here’s the photo and here’s what I did from it





Street Art Cafe

Street arts fine its tags that niggle
Sprayed on lines it ain’t no giggle
Surely anyone can do that
Heard Pete Shelley tell Steve Diggle

Then Steve Diggle told Pete Shelley
Play that tune get on a wiggle
Play it hard give it some welly
Left then right and in the middle



Spraying the can, inhaling that smell
Don’t lets get caught, let’s have a ball
Start off with blue then onto white
From near the floor then up the wall

Pink, yellow; give it some purple
We stretch those lines and watch them crawl
Making shapes that look so moden
In winter, spring, summer and fall



The old cafe is now uncared for
Scrawls on wall no glass in the door
I don’t drink those cappocinos
Veggie fry ups not anymore

The greasey cafe got overdrawn
All those old mugs they all got pawned
There’s a new bistro down the hill
No veggie fry ups for the poor

9th May 2021

Untitled

Trays and art and displays
Took you away
Away from the trashy cafe


Wendy Young

Untitled

All is closed, but like cats, boys will tag their spray – on any wall on display, their Hormone leaves a pong in the air, unless surcudeced by the heat. Empty baskets, needing bread, Colour but just hormones left, no chitter chatter, no flowers of hope, lack of lifes’ lustre, when can the imagination be free of this ME ME ME stuff, called- Grafitti the policies of the me me generations, with nothing but the brand name, which is to blame, swoop fame money and Brand.

c Michelle Baharier aka dyslxic Rant and Madness mumbbles

Untitled

Rainbow Caff
Moon having a laff
Bakers trays spread
But where is the bread?
Basket is empty
Letters a-plenty
All of them tumbling
But my brain is fumbling

Tony Beckingham

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Creating Words For Covid

Yesterday saw me back on zoom leading a workshop on Disabled People’s experience of Covid for Merton Centre of Independent Living.

It was a small group and a shorter time than I usually work with so an easy version of the workshop was called for especially as i was piggybacking onto an earlier session on Medical Assessments and zoom exhaustion was evident.

We managed to explore 5 words and this enthusiastic non poet group came up with the following;

Struggle

I struggled with lock down
Everyday was a struggle for me
I struggle for justice/equality
I struggled to get out of bed
Struggled to cope each day
Struggled with day to day things
Struggled though I didn’t have to do anything
Struggled with motivating myself
Struggled with the peace and quiet
Struggled to be hopeful

Empathy

I don’t have empathy for politicians telling lies
I have empathy for those who lost lives
Empathy for the sick
Carer’s should be empathetic
They must have empathy to care
I have an empathetic heart
Empathy is growing
Like a rose I empathized with nature
Then nature empathized with me

Sad

I felt sad during lock down
Sad about loss
Sad about the people gone
Sad about the loss yet to come
Sadness is temporary
Sadness pushes you to evolve
Sadly we struggle on

Create

Create a world in which we all care
Create a place where we do not have to fight
Create a space where life matters
Create a life that suits ourselves
Create a space where we are heard
Create a business that is not all about money
Create hope, hopeful for a tranquil place

Cope

Hope to cope with whatever comes
Cope with the world as it is
Cope with changes, cope with life
Cope with the new normal
Like we coped with the old normal
Which is a normal we didn’t like coping with
Cope with what is thrown our way
If we can cope with covid
We can cope with anything
Coping is our only strategy

I later took the time to respond to a couple of the words by myself and came up with;

Struggle

I struggle with old loss
Coming back as new loss
Again and again
In shielded days
When sun rays
Never kissed me

Empathy

I cannot empathize
With those
Who cannot empathize
With those
I empathize with

If i empathize
With you
Its because
You empathize
With me
With those
We empathize with

If I don't empathize
With you
Not empathizing with me
Over those
We empathize with
Its' because
Your life is different
So fuck you

Clearly I like the word empathy

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Photo Challenge; 10th March 2021

The photo for this challenge is graffitti and poster found on a canal bridge in Green Lanes, London. Look and respond. Leave your poetry here or on the facebook link. I will repost it later on my other blog on Disability Arts Online

Morning Love

Every morning, morning love regenerated
By your morning snores and early morning breathing
And morning chores and birds dawn calls, I’m tea making
Before lying down again, beside you, kissing

And every morning, a morning chat of the dreams
You had whilst sleeping snug beneath the white duvet
Taking rest and time before the day that now starts
Every morning, morning love regenerated

I take the time to be so quiet when boiling up
A plastic kettle, hot tea, hot lemon, stirring
Storms in spotted cups, my hushed, shuffling steps disturbed 
By your morning snores and early morning breathing

Then I try to take the time to listen to dreams
And then find the words that make you laugh and giggle
Before I bring you round once more to all of these
Our morning chores and birds dawn calls, more tea making

And I tell you how the morning has looked to me
Whether its grey or sunlight or barely noticed
A wall poster announces; to live without your love
Before lying down again, beside you, kissing 

Richard Downes

Revolution

Circles of my mind
Revolving, Revolting
Silent and private
Locked in the jail of my thoughts

Revolving, cycling, re-cycling
Black mist and black fist rising
Gurgling, churning, spitting images

My friends look and see placidity
Where is the key to let it free?
Must be in the small ads
Nope, no ad
Let me be

Tony Beckingham

The Revolution Will Not be Advertised

The Revolution will not be televised
By wise left to centre allies
Wisecracking side kicking allies
Of fat cat money spinners
With alibis
To incentivise
The Right to Far
Barring thinkers who despise
Cognoscenti’ elitist frothy bite sizable
holders of the Left in franchise guise
Lies rise – we rise – they despise
Incentivising flies in the ointment
Stuck on the fence
To go RIGHT IN A T THE DEEP END

The Rev will be revved up by
Right On Revs
Marginalised margarine slippery
Slimes of the crapitalist kind

Meganalamaniac perpetuating falsehoods
Shodding trod feet of hundreds of years
Definitely televised – Gil gorrit right
Scott Heron defined it will not be televised
Nor will it be advertised
Justified by rectifying bluster

Always a loser and it’s usually the user
Of ‘right’ consumed by snake oil charmers
Embalmers of the free!

Wendy Young

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Love Haiga

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Photo Challenge; 12 Horse Shoes

Its a cold January in London town. A smattering of snow points to a whiter, brighter day soon gone. And all the poets are sleeping or at best just turned off and not responding to this photo.

May be an image of brick wall

So, this is my lone response for now. Perhaps the Poets of the blog-o-sphere are still wakeful.

The Unlucky Number
 
A damned twelfth month surrounded by darkness
Offers up the hope of winter solstice
The coming of longer days and sunlight
But January holds a look of doom
 
Born no doubt in stiffening November
Where bodies pile up on pyres burning
Guy Fawkes we still have this government and
A damned twelfth month surrounded by darkness
 
These numbers too big for the Exchequer
Which like Whitty and Valance likes a graph
Of mountains going up as we go down
Offering up hope of winter solstice
 
The shortest of days, four before christmas
The word of Boris is go, celebrate
Fornicate, transmission is everywhere 
But here comes those longer days and sunlight
 
Their lives are going out on the front line
Where twelve days for twelve apostles and Christ
Turn to five, then one for stuffing turkeys
And January holds a look of doom
 
A late entry from my regular poetic companion, the astounding Wendy Young
 
 12 horseshoes hang

 Which Horseman of the Apocalypse ceded his steed?
 Must be pestilent one - Spawned 2020’s seed
  Pawn in the game of life’s machine
 To cull  generations
 Like war  - like AIDS – like tyrannical despots
 Yet look on the bright side
 12 lucky symbols
 Nailed to a wall – it may not fall
 
 All for the want of a nail the shoes were lost
 Cinderfella left in riposte or a notch on his bedpost? 

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Photo Challenge for the New Year

Poets were challenged to respond to this picture for inclusion on this blog and in many months to follow inclusion on Disability Arts Online

I was keen to use the picture as a prompt for the three poetry forms i’m currently practicing: cascade, chanso and cinquain. Results below.

Incidentally the pic was taken by my good friend Victoria.

Mystery Hill (A Cascade)

We step towards the future
From a past we leave behind
Mindful of each other’s time
Upon life’s long winding path

2020 fading fast
The year running out of days
We take deep breaths and inhale
And step towards the future

Hand in hand the hill we climbed
Our highs so very high
The lows ahead still to come
From a past we leave behind

You in red and me in blue
Our hair still long blowing free
As we approach twenty one
Mindful of each others time

We stride on the downhill side
Pick up speed as time passes
Slowing down towards the end
Of life’s ever winding path

Friend and Magical Woman, Elinor Rowlands was quick off the blocks with this:

A childhood clothes me in red, an opening out of a forest, we are spat out down the hill, a walk down the hill, to the town, to buildings and homes to cul de sac. The bus doesn’t come this way, the bus stops earlier then turns round. The red dot 🔴 followed by the blue vastness of my mother, of Sheila, of cloudless sky but the sky above their heads pales under the mist of true life. And the hills roll on and on and the homes built by moles, and the mother and her hands in mine; and the stomp stomp of shoes and click of heels and it hasn’t rained in days. My ponytail in rhythmic passing sways, and the days and the days of this. Is what I’ll remember, is what I’ll recall, when lying in wait of the rapid storm, outside. Outside.

Followed closely behind by the ever spouting poetry form of Wendy Young who for good measure through in a revised edition. Editing is fab.

Planets aligned
Signed the final card
To end this
Maligned year

A year for many
Too tough to take
Though some would say
Their ‘wake’ ended
Mended or broke relationships
Tipped over the edge
Bled from boredom
Yet some woke
Spoke their truth
Succeeded unchained from chattels of tortuous journeys
On packed buses
Destination a broken down office
Of chattering masses
Limited creativity hemmed by lack of energy
Fraught from the day job
Robbed of a joyous night out
When work won out
To zoom gigs
Publishings
Self discovery
Of inner art unknown
Realising to be solitary at the end of the day
We walk in the air
We stride mud in freedom
Hold our own hands
Remember mothers and others
To face the coming year
To know right now is meant
To know this is fate
With our heart intact
We are not alone💚

So the path these walkers take invoke time and aspects of childhood whilst acknowledging where we are right now in history

Mystery Hill (A Chanso)

Water pistols drawn at dawn in summer
Put away long before winter solstice
Hold our memories on the higher tor
A plan drawn up for the mayday mummer

This scheme determines who will prosper still
The young, the old, sick and tired of virus
Taking risks we burn our votive candles
Then decide our position on the hill

And then take off to run with fun or fear
We metamorphosise beneath full moons
The evening air cut by mallards and loons
Bats flick at the sky the wolf man is near

The day that time way back fading faster
With words and actions night time takes away
Like old men littering waste paper floors
With forgotten names of minds disaster

But we do not forget the way we feel
The ruts we stood in for the turning wheel

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Looking for Evidence

Merton Centre for Independent Living seem to have acquired a taste for group workshops and collaborative works.

Whilst I was at Merton, possibly in years 2 to 6 of their longer existence, I worked in engagement and one of my better themes was developing membership groups. We looked to our roots to grow our tree and the good tree barked. This seems, in my absence, to have been supplanted by Craftivism and Chat, a project that brings the work of the membership into the organisation in many different ways.

It has been my pleasure to contribute to this 4 times in 2020. Two workshops on values, a shared workshop with Merton Libraries during BBC Book Week and a performance of spoken word which was recorded and can be seen here.

The spirit of collaboration can also be seen from two poems that came out of the values workshops which sneaked their way into their newsletter and which wait to be reinforced as a book of poems based on the work of the workshop participants – apparently funding is forthcoming. Until then the two poems act as some evidence of the work inspired by workshops.

I have control and I have no control – A poem by Disabled People at Craftivism and Chat

I have control when I feel secure
I do not have control when I appear demure
I have control when I am in the kitchen cooking
I do not have control when my electric wheelchair needs pushing
I have control when I am making dresses and lost in design
I do not have control most of the time
I have less control when I am with other people
I have more control when I am by myself
I do not have control when I am in hospital due to my health
I have control when I feed my cats meals
I do not have control after I pay my bills
I lose control when my day does not align with my to do list
I gain control over my chair through my joy stick that I twist
I have no control, what the hell am I doing here?
I have control when I am driving my car
I have no control over my noisy neighbour
I have control when my deliveries come on time
I have no control when people call me
I have control over who I let come through my front door
I have no control over my money
I have control and I have no control
But, having control is important to me.

and
Connected vs Disconnected – A collaborative poem by Craftivism & Chat Attendees

I am connected to the planet, to Merton CIL, to friends, to climate change and even to Boris.
I am connected to a spirit, that you cannot see or feel or touch, by my human spirit that is the very
essence of me.
I am connected to the present through my past.
I am connected with love.
I am connected to my family, friends and Merton CIL by talking.
I am connected to this earth by the force of gravity.
I am connected by warmth, and emotion.

I am disconnected from reality now that virtual reality replaces it.
I am disconnected by fear, vulnerability, and confusion;
I am disconnected by education and by ignorance, by being disinterested in other people.
I am disconnected from the blood that runs through my veins.
I am disconnected from my friends and family whilst in lockdown.
I am disconnected from myself, severed connections within my head that may never repair themselves from years of trauma inflicted all that time ago.
I am disconnected from reality by anxiety.

Two very different workshops with very different people showing very different outcomes whilst using siilar techniques

I was proud to discover the pride and prominence given to these works through their publication in the newsletter.

Anyone wanting to know more about the workshops should ask for Charlet Wilson at Merton CIL.

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