The Many Haiku’s of The Newt


Now BallsJup is gone
Into the nether regions
Out of perils way

A ceremony
Naming a Prime Minister
I give you Miss Trusst

(26.9.22 The Newt renames the Prime Minister)

Slathering puppies
With panting tongues lolling out
Feel anxiety

(16.8.22 Losing interest in the leadership race in the hope that the winner will later become loser come election time)

The Newt’s Pond is hot
Nature adapts to climate
Chaos is coming

(19.7.22 Heatwave finds the Newt going back to where he started from – a new leader, climate chaos, the impact of deregulation)

A leadership race
Whilst I hope its not that Liz
They are all tories

(17.7.22 The Newt’s Verdict on the current race for leadership)

It’s all about tax
The tory leadership race
It’s very taxing

(10.7.22 According to the Sunday papers)

Rishi and Sajid
Send mild letters of rebuke
In leadership bid

(6.7.22 More resignations from BallsJup’s cabinet. Gove said BallsJup couldn’t get a team together didn’t he?)

Angela Rayner sings
To blue chorus of abuse
Re working class roots

The babies are banned
Competition not welcomed
By the ranting bores

(30.6.22 Don’t take your babies to work dictat announced and such a fuss about going to an opera)


The great world leader pretend
Losing unions

(29.6.22 Inspired by a daily haiku renga BallsJup is losing the union and losing against unions but still thinks he’s special)

Tank running empty
Can’t afford to eat and heat
BallsJup says buy house

10.6.22 response to BallsJup’s cost of living speech

Defiant shouting
After being mealy mouthed
Rumbled not humbled

(26.5.22 Reviewing another BallsJup performance on day of Sue Gray Report)

The true blue party
Pornography and rapists
Who will lead us next

Who will lead us next
Fulll of damned dodgy dealers
The true blue party

(24.5.22 Just commenting on recent events that’s all)

Here there they seek him
The lying fraudulent fool
Make him our leader

They’re all lying now
Heads bowed in cabinet draws
Tory cover ups

Imran Ahmad Khan
Assaulted a little boy
Tory Sex Scandal

(23rd May 2022 – Pics emerge of BallsJup from the party he wasn’t fined for)

BallsJup denies it
Leaking a full disclosure
Of Sunak’s accounts

Citizen Khan
Another tory scandal
Must keep these pricks out

(12.4.22 On the chancellor’s missus being nom dom and another tory sex scandal)

London is choking
Under a polluted sky
Breathing is harder

War in the Ukraine
Keeps the pennies rolling in
Minimise sanctions

Keep refugees out
Refuse military aid
Zelensky asked for

A Saharan wind
Blows sand into our faces
Hard times coming home

Filthy brown rivers
Europes’ dirty man is back

(27.3.22 The Newt is suffereing from tory responses to the Ukraine and a lack of response to pollution)

Europe opens doors
Their hearts full of compassion
No refugees here

We want fruit pickers
Bending their backs for Britain
These are our war gains

Tory punishment
Locked hearts and doors and borders
Their shameless faces

Red as strawberries
Drops of blood in Ukraine mud
We’ll take your farmers

We’ll grow our future
On the backs of refugees
We’ll accept the skilled

See British fields
Lined with lines of fleeing feet
Marching to our drum

Drafted and dragooned
Echoes of slavery days
Our British methods

How we rule the waves
Money first profit second
Whip working people

(1.3.22 Haikus for Ukraine inspired by Poetry London)

This prime minister
Takes advice on honesty
When filling out forms

(13.2.22 Its been reported that BallsJup needs to take legal advice on how to fill out police forms legally. I mean honestly)

You’re responsible
You voted for a liar
Not an honest man

What a choice to make
Minor league Donald Trump
Misogynist too

Add to that racist
Xenophobic jingoist
Puffed up posturer

Ambushed by a cake
He’s sado-machochistic
Sending for the whips

(26.1.22 BallsJup’s character in haiku form)

Christian Wakeford’s lists
Prime Ministers failures
Would make good novel

Blackmail, corruption
An allegation of lies
Starving children too

Which crime made him walk
Come over to other side
And why take so long

(19.2.22 Christian Wakeford made a good case for leaving, a case for ejecting BallsJup and then William Wragg leapt in with all kinds of other stories)

If taken fully
His responsibility
Then how will we know

His masterful words
Of stinking cesspit disguise
Stink the commons out

(18.1.22 Today and a while ago BallsJup said he would take full responsibility. If he does how will we know?)

Operation Save Big Dog
If it doesn’t work
Let’s have him put down

(17.1.22 It transpires Downing St is going all out to save BallsJup)

Who do i believe
BallsJup or the scientists
A question of trust

(16.12.21 Mealy mouthed BallsJup fudging rather than fibbing causing confusion)

Never trust Tories
To look after public health
Freedom’s fucked their brains

(15.12.21 99 Tories vote against Balljup’s covid restrictions) 

I was too shit faced
To remember a party
Was it any good

(14.12.21 The excuse BallsJup hasn’t tried yet)

Liar pants on fire
You think you’re telling the truth
We know you’re not

(8.12.21 Busted BallsJup Again)

A xmas party
They came they saw and had fun
Rules went unbroken

No glasses were chunk
Across their social distance
They weren’t really there

Its a forlorn chat
From the chatty rat
Who had to blow a whistle

(7.12.21 BallsJup had a very strange xmas party last year)

Jon Bon Govie
In government drugs crack down
Tories rock and roll

(6.12.21 Todays its all about BallJup’s War On  Drugs. The speaker is calling in the cops re coke in the commons. Where do they get it all from?)

Social care crisis
Plus police under resourcing
Equals dead children

(2.12.21 RIP Arthur Labinjo-Hughges from all of us still paying the cost of tory austerity and me  me me policies)

Standards from this man
A man who has no standards
He’s having a laugh

(22.11.21 did the newt dream BallsJup was calling for standards vi-a-vis corruption last week?)

Insulate Britain
Become prisoners of conscience
In oppressive state

Major BallsJup’s crimes
Remain unpunished
By corrupt sleazy system

Money making schemes
v climate chaos
We know who the winner is

Insolate Britain
Isolate English
By those who got Brexit done

(18.11.21 The Newt on Insulate Britain and claims that BallsJup is corrupt)

We care about newts
Was BallsJup’s criticism
Green Activists

Is better than green, he said
Ripping the green belt

Its such a good thing
Like shit in sea and rivers
Compost the ocean

Now he’s gone all COP
Corrupt Opportunities

Meanwhile in Newt Pond
Its hot and getting hotter
Reaching Boiling point

Caring for newts
Doesn’t wash with this great newt
He’s making it up

As he goes along
With this week’s BallsJup boosters
His card has been marked

(10.11.21 BallsJup Pollution, Climate Chaos and Corruption)

He’s learned green is good
Newt’s think green is great
So why is shit in my pond

(2.10.21 BallsJup pollutes rivers and then says he’s only just started taking an interest in green issues. Phoney deregulator)

10,000 piggies
BallsJup can’t save their bacon
They will soon be chopped

Save The Pigs campaign
Complain about BallsJup’s lies
Stop telling porkies

(18.10.21. Catching up on the slaughter of pigs due to no drivers, etc)

We got a deal done
On the word of an englishman
Who signed the papers

And now look at him
Wanting to tear it all up
Something wrong BallsJup

Those nasty europeans
The  French and Germans
Can they save us now

(13.10.21 Its all going wrong and now Europe is trying to bail us out. BallsJup still on ‘foreign’ holiday)

Nasty report out
BallsJup is on holiday
The sands not sticking

(12.9.21. Plus ca change. Shit hits the fan. Boris is on holiday)

Dummy Raab! Justice!
A tautology
Or Oxbridge Moron

It doesn’t add up
Gavin Williamson

R Jenrick MP
Housing Secretary

Justice for Afghans
Not bloody likely
They ruined his holidays

Justice for Jenrick
Accused of corruption
Again not likely

Liz Truss moves from trade
To Foreign Office
She knows her onions

(15.9.21. Cabinet reshuffle)

They all look the same
Choose Gavin Williamson
From dim tory boys

Turn them migrants round
Said Patel to Border Force
Keep my parents out

(9.9.21. Williamson identifies Itoje as Rashford / Patel issues illegal advice to stem flow of refugees)

The schools return
To the government a test
It keeps on failing

(3.9,21 Kids are back to school, covid infections set to rise, government solution…. open a window)

BallsJup says he’s proud
The Afghanis are burning
Dumb Raab’s still sleeping

(30.8.21 The west claiming victory in defeat whilst the world turns paranoid over western failure)

BallsJup recalls house
Wanting a long windy chat
Ruins Raab’s repose

(19.8.21 – On the Afghanistan debate)

Ancient habitats
Full of life and history
Replaced by railways

Slow ecology
The centuries of a tree
Versus HS2

Dig us a coal mine
Source us fossil fuel you fool
Planet is burning

(9.8.21 Alok Sharma MP gets a mention from Greta Thunberg. The Newt says it better)

Isolate BallsJup
Covid is irrelevant
We just can’t stand you

BallsJup is with child
Carrie carries the real weight
Of expectation

(8.8.21 holiday season – all is quiet on the western front)

Facebook not racist
Football not racist
BallsJup racist

Bans don’t stop racists
BallsJup won’t stop them
Law, education, helps us

Helps us
Survive them
Survive BallsJup

Survive BallsJup
Kicking balls up
Into empty space

(17.7.21 BallsJup like Prince George got a free ticket to the match. We shouldn’t give him a free ticket to talk shit)

BallsJup talks football
With customary flair of
Millwall supporters

BallsJup tells racists
To crawl under the stone
He just vacated

BallsJup takes his knee
Into the groin of football
Escapes sending off

BallsJup wears the shirt
A ringmaster loves his flag
Trampled by clowns

St George slew dragons
Prince George ponced tickets
Off the FA’s president

So. What’s wrong with that
Future kings can kiss my arse
Not real supporters

How much did you pay
For that old school tie
That gets best seats in the house

Nepotism still wrong
As sucking up
To money and to status

(12.7.21. BallsJup and Prince’s gets the Newt’s goat for approach to football)

You do as I say
But don’t do as I will do
Hypocrite Halfcock

Halfcock, he’s useless
Must keep him in employment
Moral-less BallsJup

Tough on pandemics
The Austerity Chancellor
Welcome Savage Jav

(28.6.21 Catching up on the Halfcock scenario)

Lies damned lies. Damn Lies
Cummins, Halfcock or BallsJup
Which one is lying

History dictates
The one who lies best
Comes out of the wash cleanest

BallsJup pedigree
Makes him clear leader
Jumps over moral hurdles

Halfcock is scapegoat
Trailing close behind
Sullied by BallsJup hoof prints

Cummins the tadpole
Wanted not to be a frog
Lied about Europe

Lies damned lies. Damn lies
Cummins, Halfcock or BallsJup
Which one of these lied?

(28.5.21 English politics loses compass in patina of lies and counter truths)

He freed Dominic Cummins
Freed Priti Patel
Free Major BallsJup?

(29.4.21 BallsJup retains the final say on his innocence – or otherwise. Which way will the pennies drop)

The Chatty Rat speaks
In asides and whispers
Of incompetence

The conservative party
Slides into sleazpe
With the utmost of ease

The chattiest rat of all
Uses foul language
Pile em high BallsJup

(24.4.21-26.4.21 Who said what? Conspiracy, revenge, et tu Brutes)

Dyson putting money
Above and beyond people
Dying of Covid

Football Supporters
From Chelsea and Man City
Ate the super rich

People win  class wars
Working with one another
When the time is right

(21st April Cronyism versus people. Fans versus oligarchs. People line up. Take sides. A war is coming)

Its competition
Not cronyism
According to Cameron

Meanwhile Pratt Halfcock
Was enjoying a drink
With Barman and Cameron

Health Secretary
Caught out at least twice
Spending to much time drinking

This is my complaint
We are much too interested
In this family

We put our beliefs
In castles and fairy tales
That disappoint us

Year following year
Invest in nobs not people
Anus horriblis

(15.4.21 both sets written during the week of the Cameron lobby scandal and the nation’s 8 days of mourning for Philip – too busy with birthdays to commit to blogging)

The Newt’s first monoku:

Conspirators insist illuminati exist; Philip doesn’t

Not feeling too bright today
His lights have gone out

His racist tongue stilled
By obsidian reaper
Snuffing out candles

Dear Liz, Never mind
I don’t mean to be unkind
But I just don’t care

Tell BallsJup his speech
About this great nations’ loss
Doesn’t apply here

(9.4.21. A series of haikus called ‘The Duke Is Done – Turn Him Over’ written on the day Prince Philip’s death was announced)

Hostage to fortune
Death count, economic loss
Shielders pay the cost

Health and beauty
Customers have to wear masks
Defeats the object

(7.4.21. Racing towards release from lock down the new normal BallsJup presents as cautious, doesn’t want to promise it will all be over by xmas or that we’ll do well to get away with 20,000 dead forgetting the costs have already been paid. The Newt is also amused about the health and beauty rules not that he needs any).

His racist ramblings
Mouths misogynist
Trumpian oratory

(1.4.21 BallsJup doesn’t agree with all of the findings in a govermental report on race which is said to be racist and celebrates Britain’s involvement in slavery, We presumes he has his favourite bits).

Wave your flags of red, white, blue
Tease those refugees
Traveling high seas

To find shores like these
Full of broken promises
To its own people

End food poverty
Stop children facing the same
Foreigners to blame?

So shelter beneath your flag
The one you’re waving
At those you stole from

(25.3.21 Some fuss about some tattered rag on the morning following Priti Patel’s hardline brutality)

If royal family
Provides shelter for paedophile
Archie best stay gone

Cameron lobbies
Sunak. Planting his size 9
In BallsJup’s black bog

Proves no one is best
No one is better
The Tory Party corrupts

Have a second home
Take a holiday
It’s the Stanley Johnson clause

(23.3.21 Maybe a last view on the Meghan saga – some hopes. Some people ask would Cameron, the weak maleficent, who handed 50 grumbling tories Brexit, have made a better prime minister at this time than BallsJup. His lobbying puts him in the Boris bog who wants to make sure  his Dad is ok).

Respect from the Newt
Rebellious lizard-like
For one of his own

Fitted with a new lizard heart

Go home to palace
To oppose the WOKE
The scales fallen from our eyes

(16.3.21 Prince Phillip goes home after MOT month in hossie) (MOT = Mode Of Transformation)

BallsJup has announced
He wants to keep women safe
So he’s staying in

(13.3.21 BallsJup previously reported to the police for domestic abuse now wants to keep women safe)

Madame Guilottine
Viva La Revolution
Off with Royal Heads

Ask BallsJup to talk
Racism and Mysogyny
He’s expert at both

The power of WOKE
Reveals the hypocrisy
Of institutions

Enough to drive us
Bleeding heart liberals
Right off our heads

(11.3.21. That interview fall out keeps on giving but for anyone to think that BallsJup should give us a talk on race or sex is preposterous given his record)

Oprah’s interview
Montage of Daily ‘hate’ Mail
Spreading racism

Harry’s announcement
Phillip wasn’t the racist
At least not this time

Harry’s previous
Employment, killing arabs
Not really racist

The royal family
Anachronistic breeders
Keep the blood line white

England. Racist state
Inhabitants vote Brexit
Keep the germ uns out

Keep the germ uns out
Harry’s nazi uniform
Swastika arm bands

No Meghan comment?
Is that because I’m racist?
Careless disinterest?

(8.3.21 The Royal Family described as racist institution. Quelle Surprise)

Coffee for nurses
Half a cup for the strangers
Living overseas

(8.3.21. Reflections of Tricky Sunkcacks Budget. Cuts to the NHS and International Aid)

He Doesn’t Count, Like We Do

BallsJup full of beans
One twenty four thousand dead
Do not feel too pleased
You are a self centred fool
Can’t possibly care
Only you matter its true
Useless waste of time
No one believes you
Tory Twatman of the year

(4.3.21. I’m told BallsJup was saying he’s full of beans having given up cheese and chocolate and he’s as fit as he’s ever been. Well good for him. Don’t cry no crocodile tears for the bodycount fool)

Unclever wordplay
Who needs Yemenis
With Sauds like these

That’s what BallsJup said
When Foreign Secretary
Unclever wordplay.

(2.3.21 Yemen in the news this week and words come back to haunt BallsJup)

Killer pesticides
Attack honey bees
With government permission

All for sugar’s sake
Promoted by industries
Obesity win

During health crisis
Where diabetic victims
Fall prey to Covid

Start to think things through
And prioritise the bees
Then claim you are green

(28.2.21 Countryfile report on Wildlife Trust legal challenge to gov’t decision to bring back outlawed pesticide. BallsJup’s green credentials questioned again)

Back to his school desk
Too old, Too fat to sit at
Has he learned lessons

Science gave a shield
Halfcock took an axe to it
Hacked giant pieces

Flammable cladding
Recommended for Grenfell
By a company

Tories privatised
Into a money motive
Red blue on blue hands

(24.2.21. Yesterday The Newt heard BallsJup talking shields after doing yet another promo from a school desk. Meanwhile in a more serious non promo setting a company man says privatising his agency inspired profit motives. The implication being tories care about money but money couldn’t care less).

BallsJup gets it right
But we hold reservations
History Lessons

(23.2.21 BallsJup’s roadmap out of lock down is encouraging but he’s made so many mistakes we cannot be over confident or afford to praise him in the slightest)

Criminal classes
From Whitehall to Westminster
Law makers/breakers (delete as appropriate)

(22.2.21 Media finally catching up with fridays legal decision. The secretary of state acted illegally.)

Don’t care about trees
Tories put their money first
Shruggers not huggers

(19.2.21 ‘Shruggers not huggers’ seen in letter to Guardian. BallsJups green credentials in doubt)

Roadmap. Sneak Preview.
Sacrifice…. British People
Stammer. Blah. Blah. Blah

(19.2.21 Stop Press. BallsJup’s Roadmap leaked here)

Duster in his hand
Now he’s cleaning chairs
Prime Ministers new duties

Says he’s like OJ
What he doesn’t know
Is OJ only killed one

(18.2.21 Ballsjup visits Cwmbran Vax Centre and disenfects chairs for the cameras. Phoney and knowing as fuck)

Todays’s Guardian
Talks of Newt Counters
Ballsjup’s green credentials

Doesn’t have any
Only says he does
Counterfeit green warrior

HS2 Problem
Eleven ancient woodlands
Digging protestors*

(17.2.21 The Newt re-engages with environmental issues. *as in liking/double meaning)

Hashtag PPE
Conservatives cashing in
Money for old tropes

Look the old school tie
Is smelling very corrupt
Did you go to Eton

(17.2.21 Recent reminders of corrupt practice early in the pandemic / BallsJup giving to his friends)

She won’t take the knee
This woman dealing race cards
From the Home Office

She’s not BAME enough
From a house of privilege
Married to whitey

Once upon a time
“A Paki in the playground”
She heard all the taunts

Now she has changed
Illegal immigrants afloat
She will keep you out

(16.2.21 Priti Patel wouldn’t take the knee and thinks BLM protests are dreadful)

(15.2.21. 60% covid deaths, disabled people, people with learning disabilities 6x more likely to die of covid than any other group. Add this to deaths associated with Universal Credit and you have to wonder).

newtSupport the front line
Where NHS Workers work
Never trust a tory

Health care, social care
Consult disabled people
Voices  must be heard

(11.2.21 Pratt Halfcock makes another move on the NHS. What he’s talking about has to be addressed. Disabled People have been stung for many years on the distinction between health and social care. Hear our voice. Never trust a tory).

Go on holiday
Don’t plan your holiday
Stay where you are go

Van Der Leyden has balls
Admits to making mistakes
BallsJup is a cunt

(11.2.21 Tory holiday confusion, EU clarity)
Makes no apologies
For his corona measures
Who’s he talking to?

(Tory) Libertarians
Promoting rights to freedom
To kill all others

(Pratt Halfcock on passing quarantine rules 12 months too late)
When a liar speaks up
Gives glib assurances
Should we  believe him

Elbow pushing idjit
Nudge nudging around UK
In orange hard hats

Hard hats and white scrubs
Blue tie, his shirt sleeves rolled up
On NHS wards

BallsJup works cameras
It beats thinking about things
Making things better

(8.2.21 I’m sick of seeing BallsJup doing publicity rounds during a pandemic)

The vaccine grabber
Dirty grubby hands reach out
Full of tattoo-ed lies

(8.2.21 News last week slowly filters through. We have bought more vaccines than we need. Others are going without. Its a pandemic Fat Chops. That means world wide. Close the borders).

Job Centre waiting
Take responsibility
As you say you will

(26th Jan 2021 Covid death toll tops 100,000. Johnson says he will take full responsibility)

Major BallsJup rides
Into Olympic Village
Get him on his bike

Investigate this
Print civil service report
Could he sack himself?

(12.01.21 BallsJup breaks local Covid restrictions and its ok but not for everyone else getting fined by the police)

Oven ready deal
Its time to talk some turkey
More gobbledygook

(Xmas eve Major BallsJup seems to have struck a deal of sorts)

BallsJup looking sick
On phone to Von Der Leyen
He has no chance there

(14.12.20 Staged photos of Ballsjup making phone calls make Newt consider BallsJup’s famed proclivities)

Tail between his legs
For fucking up the country
And spawning bastards

(11.12.20 Major Bozza BallsJup is shunned by European leaders who can’t deal with those they can’t trust)

When you cry Halfcock
Which of the 60,000
Names do you grieve most?

Do you know the names?
Do phantoms visit your dreams?
Do you have the list?

When the dead visit
Talk about their families tears
Do they forgive you?

As Ballsjup’s Patsy
Have you felt the weight
Of all the people crying?

(8.12.20 Matt Hancock cries on TV on day of first vaccination. He has reason to)

Christmas is coming
Holiday planning
A chance to kill off more plebs

Look over yonder
The cavalry are coming
Kill more indians

Appointed cowboys
To stockpile our PPE
From rags to riches

(25.11.20 A busy week for BallsJup. Caught out favouring friends for contracts, confusing vaccinations with horse soldiers and then coming up with plans to ruin christmas)


19.11.20 Scottish polls not good for Boris

He’s not very quick
Some argue he’s a bit thick
He’s been slow again

(1/11/20 Come Thursday estimates say Lock Down will be 17 days late costing lives. Speed of Boris Ball’sJup’s reactions a common criticism)

Ms Patel regrets
Immigrant deaths by drowning
Sends out a gun boat

(2 adults and 2 child immigrants drown in the english channel)

Spot hospital soap
Branded for Brexit leader
Called Gojo. Bojo?

Rebel Northerners
Take failing BallsJup to task
So go Bojo now

(20.10.20 Newt sees funny hygiene product on news and reads it as a sign whilst Ballsjup deomstrates bullying stance to the north and a business association. Not a good sign in a leader)

Signs of leadership
In Ireland, Scotland and Wales
Not tory England

He’s still on his feet
Standing firm just like jelly
Next BallsJup wobble

(14.10.20 Firm action across the union. Tory describes BallsJup as standing firm)

Two points short this plan
This three point plan of the Major’s
Fails clarity test

Two points short again
These three tiers from BallsJup
Fails strategy test

What’s he playing at
Coming out with more nonsense
Flakey TV coup

(12.10.20 BallsJup presents old Covid plan as if a new plan)

Whilst in the shires
A housing algorhythm
Is causing despair

The lords and ladies
Of would be country houses
Are now asked to share

They who had it good
Are eco warriors now
Fighting Wringneck’s blight

Its a pretty sight
These tremourous tory knights
Viewed from this Newt pond

(11.10.20 Theresa May, Jeremy Hunt, Chris Grayling oppose ‘Build, Build, Build’)

Fiend Ugly Patel
Sending migrants overseas
More boat rides ahead

Fiend Ugly Patel
Described as nasty bully
Where’s the inquiry?

(2.10.20 Ugly Patel makes the news on grounds of policy and behaviour)

He’s not behind you
Panto dames oh no he’s not
He prefers real farce

Sir Lindsay Hoyle speaks
Talks of government contempt
Inside Parliament

(30.9.20 two minor stories that some might dismiss; Panto dames campaigning for arts funding and the speaker accusing the government of contempt)

Get it right Ballsjup
For Christ sake don’t get it wrong
Don’t go mis-speaking

Show some common sense
Show some common decency
Newt asks the wrong man

(29.9.20 Boris speaks to prove he hasn’t got a clue)

Halfcock’s test and trace
Loads of capacity if
People don’t use it                      9.9.2020

Rats love sinking ships
No respect for protocol
Laws go overboard

Tory way revealed
“Limited and specific”
Feed the hungry rich         (Ballsjup’s top lawyer resigns as gov’t prepare
to break international laws 8.9.2020)
Tony Abbot is a sign
Of Ballsjup’s respect
Two misogynists                                         5.9.2020

Domi Rob insists
On full investigation
Putin running scared

Explain that away
Your Domi Rob now demands
Today straight away

We must hear true words
It so goes without saying
That’s how it should be                  (Raab and Novalny Novochok case 4.9.20)

Pillockson’s beating
Took place at an enquiry
Ofqual did him in                                                      (also 2.9.2020)

They, the BBC
And Ballsjup demonstrating
Black Lives don’t matter

Sing Rule Britannia
Sing Land of Hope and Glory
Imperial shite

Fascists learn their lines
Their classical renditions
The Blues have their night          (The BBC bows to Ballsjup 2.9.2020)

A very low risk
Is not one Ballsjup would take
One for the people                                     (back to school/work 1.9.2020)

Sixty four million meals
At £10 per meal
1 hefty tax bill

Paid by working class
To support middle class spread
More hefty waist lines

War on obesity
Traced to chicken at Nandos
The Ballsjup meal deal

Meanwhile back at the food bank
The poor stand in line
To be called scroungers                       (The last day of the £10 meal deal – 31.8.2020)

Our Dope and Worry
This cringing embarrassment
Our Prime Minister                (Rule Britannia/Land of Hope and Glory furore 25.8.2020)

That fat trampling man
In a rare flower meadow
Did he pitch his tent

Landowner charges
He didn’t have permission
To defile the land

What Ballsjup assumes
Through entitled sense of self
Bad news for nature                         About Ballsjup camping holiday 22nd August 2020

(5 haikus on the political class)

Sorry mutations
Who can’t give opinions
Risk saying nothing

Toady up to leader
Easy sets at question time
A shameful turn out

The opposition
Are wilted through division
And smaller numbers

Ask proper questions
Ballsjup only lets you have
Deeper frustrations

Lie on pool bottom
Fomenting revolution
Our time comes one day                                                                20th August 2020

An external threat
By the name of Pratt Halfcock
Compromising health

The Newt celebrates
Another tory u turn
Ballsjup flips then flops (potential chorus)                                18th August 2020

Public Health England
Conservative MP’s Wife

Whiff of corruption
Disinfecting corridors
Of fetid power

Of NHS coming to
Health centre near you

Raving Pillockson
Calibrates algorithms
A night of long knives

16th August 2020

Changing the death count
Manipulating figures
Makes Ballsjup look bad

This is what we learned
At school today about maths
It doesn’t add up

Ballsjup makes the grade
Hard for children to obtain
He’s such a waster

13th August 2020

If you get things wrong
Confidence in governance
Leads to recession

If you have no job
And money is very tight
Cut back  on spending

Ballsjup’s message is
Get out now and spend, spend, spend
To whom does he talk

Chancellor Nutsac
Who gives to those folk who have
Not to us who don’t

12th August 2020

A comparison
This is safe This is low risk
Are these two the same                    (Ballsjup announcing return to school as a priority)

Keep the pubs open
Ask people not to visit
Close the schools and pubs

Then open the pubs
To feed the economy
Stay away from school

September return
But we may have to close pubs
Let us know later                                                          (Tory commitment to clarity)

World beating system
A calculated failure
Risking many lives

A Spanish spike
Results in travel advice
Many months too late

Blue border contol
Quick cross the English Channel
Ugly welcomes you

This Ugly Patois
Planning welcome committee
For channel migrants

A new improved border force
Is like the old one
A bit more hostile

Ugly is checking
The hostile environment
Can she puncture boats

Ballsjup goes legal
His big chance to change the rules
Send the blighters back

Ugly on a boat
With private photographer
Making bad pictures

10th August 2020

Jenrick is Wringneck
Growth, Renewal, Protection
Planning levels change

Growth is a green light
For an attack on the Newt
Without protection

No social housing
Rip up planning permission
Wringneck’s way forward

Newt renews his pledge
To fight, observe and comment
Watch out for Wringneck

Wringneck took money
Its been well documented
Ballsjup allows it

Rape and corruption
Defining this government
Is this what we want?

Conservation News
A beaver on the Otter

Is allowed to stay
In friendly environment
Without a passport

6th August 2020

BallsJup is away
On another holiday
That man hates to work

5th August 2020

BallsJup will deny
Closing the borders
Would have made us all safer

4th August 2020

Do not underestimate
BallsJup’s achievements
Pushing up death rates

Forty Six Thousand
Do not underestimate
BallsJup’s achievements

3rd August 2020

Liar. Pants on fire
This is a symptomatic
BallsJup condition

31st July 2020

Nicola Sturgeon
Talks too much for the Tories
North of the border

That Major Ballsjup
Hardly works at all for us
South of the border

28th July 2020

Dominic Raab slow
Slow, Slow, erm! not quick, slow, slow
Slow Dominic Raab

Grant Shapps is in Spain
England’s loss no Spanish gain
Boring no score draw

26th July 2020

Robert Jenrick moves
People towards slum housing
Using PDR
(PDR = Permitted Development Rights)

Anti-Vaxxers Nuts
Deploying negative words
A skill of BallsJup

BallsJup looks obese
On an obesity drive
With ten pound tokens

24th July 2020

Give Chris Failing Job
Intelligence committee
We are dumbing down

21st July 2020

The Newt is quiet
Today, watching and waiting
Looking for BallsJup

From the Newt pond 17th July 2020

He makes May look good
Who made Cameron look good
How low can we go

Tories expect you to work
For fewer pound notes

Both from the depths of the Newt pond 16th July 2020

Crest resisting waves
Of great BallsJup turbulence
Whilst boldly surfing

From a deeper depth of the Newt pond 14th July 2020

The Newt will create
A great Newt Modeled Army
Combat destruction

With our crest and all
We will survive that BallsJup
Heading for a fall

Both from an even deeper depth of the Newt Pond 12th July 2020

Disrupting the great newt’s pond
The Great Newt stirring

From the deepest depth of the Newt Pond 11th July 2020 / Up the Newts

The Newt exists because BallsJup doesn’t want him to.

The Newt stands against tory deregulation harming the environment

The Newt is very vengeful. BallsJup started it. BallsJup will get it.

BallsJup came into being when he called someone ‘Captain Hindsight’. Thus earning the moniker Major BallsJup. He was previously referred to has Boris Johnson.

Other characters are making an appearance; Prissi Nutsac (Rishi Sunak), Ugly Patois (Pritti Patel), Robbing Wringneck (Robert Jenrick), Raving Pillockson (Gavin Williamson), Chris Failing (Chris Grayling).

The Newt writes haikus because the haiku focuses on nature and The Newt has his own nature.

BallsJup The Newt Is Watching you

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Photo Challenge; 5th July 2022

The Photo Challenge started as a response to covid – a game to play in lock down. I’m carrying it on. It depended like so many things do on engagement, participation, involvement. Though I’m happy to set it for myself. The challenge principally is to look at a photo and to reply with ekphrasis poetry or pr ose. The reward is to please yourself and to appear here on this blog as a participant and a few years down the line to be reborn on the blog I maintain at Disability Arts Online. Other that you had a go, you created. Take pleasure in that.

To Live In South Wood....

To live in South Wood behind bars, windows
Defensive rows of securing palings
And to look out on the world with conscience

Standing tall, confident, somehow unseen
In his best bib and tucker, suit and tie

Like a lifelike life size cardboard cut out

Richard Downes
5th July 2022

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Photo Challenge; Ain’t Misbehaving

Respond to the photo below with poetry or prose. Star in my blog. Later I will re-post on another blog I have with Disability Arts Online.

Ain’t Miss B. Havin

Ain’t Miss B. Havin I’m being myself.
Clowning, Jesting, joking, joshing, laughing

Primary forms of defensive action
Designed to show me in a better light
When feeling shadowed by my distractors

Those who would always be misbehaving


They come sometimes at night time when sleeping
These ghosts these spectres these awful banshees
Howling and a whoo-ing into my dreams

Disturbed by the disturbing I shudder
Feel myself twitching under the duvet

Seeking solace from the misbehaving


When the morning comes I relax again

I’m advocating I’m activating
Engaging my people at street level

This is my song and this is my protest
I saw your face I heard you wail last night
I know what you do when misbehaving

Richard Downes
19th May 2022

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Another Photo Challenge

I’m too quiet. Rarely say anything. It gets me into trouble. Would be thought burglars want to know what’s inside my world. They’re keen to break in to see what they can steal. They don’t however jimmy there way into this beach hut on West Mersea beach where the sand is soft and conversation less hard

The Chatter Box

Here she comes the gobshite gobbing
Gobbing off for all she is worth
She’s been chattering since her birth
Words pour forth like robins bobbing
Over territories squabbling
She won’t keep her talk inside her
She’ll share them with friend or stranger
She won’t care who you think you are
Plebian, aristo or star
Just give time to she the speaker

It’s not just endless chatter
That tells good time echoes her blues
Its more accurate than the news
Which just reports blood that’s splattered
She’ll tell you things that matter
Its time that you lent a ear
She gives good value not too dear
So stand your ground and listen hard
Her tales are better than the bards
It won’t take long, about a year

Richard Downes

Flattens me wi flattery
Battery mouth scatting me
Open shut open shut
Slut smutty smatters me
Boxes me corners me
Foxy sly smiled gobshite gives too easy
Batters me to tatter
Beware the chattering classless fatuous twattery

Wendy Young

Chit-chat patterers
Back and forth
Yakkety-yak chewing the fat.

Windbag yapperers
Nattering on
About this and that.

Waffling gabberers,
Cackling talkers
Gathering around the gossip gate.

Dishing the dirt
Conflabbing, sympatico non stop.

Keith Bray

Sort of calypso type poem:Rude Boy
People tell me boy you rude boy
You rude boy who annoy
‘cos you sing song with dirty lyric
They say I’m quite satyric
Using words that can offend
Well, sorry but me too old to amend
People tell me boy you rude boy

The people that tell me off
Come from a certain kind of
Provincial, cosy, comfort zone
Where freedom to speak not their own
Where Anglo-Saxon frowned upon
Where blue pencil has not gone
People tell me boy you rude boy

That make me angry and sad
To think they never ever have had
The wit to escape infringement of rights
To use language which excites
Better safe, keep to what Mummy said
Don’t swear, keep naughty words outta your head
People tell me boy you rude boy

But, I say often here before, in days of yore
Folk music was never was pure
Even with troubadour
Always in song and ballad
Sentiment never pallid
Strong, expressing in vulgar tongue
Obscene and ribald words were sung

Kit Wells

Richard Downes

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First Photo Challenge of 2022

Photo taken from the side of a beach hut situated somewhere between Frinton on Sea and Walton on the Naze. A late autumn walk 2021.

Spectres split the sun's light
Endlessly challenge freedom
From past ghosts
Keep fighting
Punch your knuckles through that shadow
Speak to the dark
Contrast is necessary
Yet too much is deathly
Fight write spite dread, demons
This Mayan red spectral serpent
Spits hisses vehement kisses
Live in spectral hope of a free present.

Wendy Young

This is a very long road we walk on
Never straight full of twists, bends and pained curves
Yet far ahead a sparkling beam of light

Long we've walked these lonely miles in darkness
Never losing sight of one another

It's true; when freedom comes; it will be shared

Richard Downes

The psychedelic Japanese sun rises
Over the Brighton beach huts
As the oil flecked sea slides by
The black cranes fly searching
The iridescent colours sparkle
And yet, the couple leave
Walking away from this lurid scene
We walk slowly, vanishing into the open mouth of dawn
Leaving this slack, slick scene
Leaving the pretty gaudy contaminated present
For a glowing freedom yet to come

Tony Beckingham

Some say
Freedom is just a slogan
A logo or a meme

But I’ve seen it

Like this sunset
It is moving
Moving out of sight
Yet there is always tomorrow
Another freedom
Another action (to the reaction)
Always, always always….
Always another fight

Brian Hilton

Walking into the great ball of fire,
I become engulfed in the fluorescent glow,
Suspended between the power of the rippling sea and the uniformity of, Shadowed beach huts.
a British obsession,
A romantic hiding place of Secrets and Lies varnished in bright colours.
With reflections melting into each,
The waves create the whispers of the hidden voices

Michelle Baharier

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Poets…. and We’re Back

October. 1st Tuesday of the month.The Highgate Society is open for business and a few poor poets return to the spoken word fray post lock down. We feel a bit cagey. The Covid malaise has hit us harder than we would care to think. What is this socialising? Yet beneath the doubt some old love, some enthusiasm is bubbling

November. 1st Tuesday of the month. There are a few more of us in attendance. Highgate residents and a host of old friends from Survivors Poetry rewarding each other with a great night. Solid sets from the more experienced set who haven’t lost the buzz for performance. The great Andrew Rea, pagan poet extraordinaire sets the bar very high indeed. Well with the exquisite folk balladry of Jessica Lawrence of course/cause(?). Listen its that first usage of the word apocalyptic. So welcome now to Michelle Baharier decrying the plague with her Halloween hat and feather duster. Christopher Byng-Maddick presents a personal record of our times. Camden. Well Camden was apocalyptic. The most excellent Denis Herbstein engages his journalistic prowess to point the finger in a most jovial way to that blonde, tousled hair beast who never gets a mention on this blog except when masquerading as Major BallsJup in The Many Haiku’s of the Newt. Local favourite, the hot boy Christopher Mangen is up for it. What’s this? Not one poem but three. He’s catching the bug. He responds first to our monthly challenge. This month the prompt is ‘Halloween, Guy Fawkes and Darkness. He follows this with something he offered up to a writers group and then a most rewarding piece on the faded glamour of out of season seaside towns. Jonathan deigns not to share this time but his support is greatly welcome and then its the turn of yours truly. Just managed to squeeze a few in before the coffee break. During which I pace around and watch people talking, getting on with each other and sharing news, participating in the great undervalued art of chit chat.

We come back we start again. We go in reverse order. I read Slap and though its about abuse I really enjoy it. I’ve got the rhythm. My stammer won’t stay the word. Better than my first set and here we go getting another round in.

My twofold thanks to the poets. First for a glorious night. Second to those who dug a little deeper into their pockets to make sure we can meet the cost of rent. When more of this very distinguished group return we will be able to pay off our small debt (currently running at £9.50 and start raising funds for our first anthology (which in turn will act as a fundraiser for The Highgate Society).

Want to be new to the group or return as one of the old stars remember; it’s on the first Tuesday of the month, 6.30-8.30pm at the Highgate Society, 10a South Grove, London, N6 6BS. Admittance £3.00. One of the cheapest nights out in London.

Looking for a prompt. Our challenge for the month is to respond to this; a jolly reflection on A Festival of Lights – be it Hannukah, Diwali, Yuletide or whatever. Be there or be square. Wear clothes or come bare.

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Our Latest Photo Challenge

Poets were asked to respond to this photograph

Separation anxiety 

Accept me
My smile is a cover
Will I ever fit?
Overdone niceness
Pebble dashed whitewashed coshed my heart ... been soft as cohosh ... just bloody give me a slot ... to pot n plot n clot ... bleed n blot 
I am not high maintenance.

Wendy Young

Smiley pebbles
Smiley pebbles
With happy faces
Joyful as the day is long,
Ready to join the seaweed dance
While their eyes and noses wash away.
Their tiny mouths still left wide open
To moan and groan about it all
In a most delightful though
Ungrateful way. 

Keith Bray

The Pebble Family

Dad and the kids scarpered to the high tide
Whilst Mom sat smiling in the cooling shade
Later she would call them for lemonade
Now she should read and consider her pride

Whilst Mom sat smiling in the shade
Reading and thinking of the kids and stuff
Such as the old days when life was so tough
Clothes were hand me downs often torn and frayed

Reading and thinking of the kids and stuff
Life was better today but not by much
There was still too much damp in the old hutch
She’d come a long way and she could feel chuffed

Life was better today but not by much
Charley was throwing his kids in the waves
He was the king and the kids were just knaves
He was quiet and kind made little fuss

Charley was throwing the kids in the waves
She thought back to her sisters and brothers
Her old boyfriends and all kinds of lovers
The ones still living and those in their graves

She thought back to her sisters and brothers
She’d moved on from them left them far behind
They were important once they had their time
Now it was Charley, kids and no others

She’d moved on from them left them behind
The book she was reading led to a dream
She covered her eyes from a sun beam
She slaughtered Charley and kids in her mind

The book she was reading led to a dream
Dad and the kids scarpered to the high tide
The waves bashed their brains in she didn’t mind
She was lying with David being obscene

Dad and the kids scarpered to the high tide
Whilst Mom sat smiling in the cooling shade
Later she would call them for lemonade
Now she should read and consider her pride

Richard Downes

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Photo Challenge; Squeezebelly Lane

Here is the photograph I sought poetic responses to.

No photo description available.

The response was disappointing. Even me own poem wasn’t so great. Here it is:

I live a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane

I live a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane
Where believe it or not suns always shine
Where there is no need for standing in line
Where there’s nobody doing in my brain
I live a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane

A million miles from the Tees and Tyne
Where we all play Tom’s Heart Attack and Vine
Away from the angles, saxon’s and danes
I live a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane

Where a man named Boris read all the signs
Did himself in diving Maggie’s last mine
Or at least no one took credit or blame
Living a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane

Where all of the tories drown in the brine
Where all oppressors are kneed in the groin
Where all of our losses turn into gains
Living a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane

Where I send an invite so genuine
For you all to be there. Yes you can join
The non religious denominations
Living a fun life on Squeezebelly Lane

Kit Wells however did sing in a song

Don’t Squeeze Me ‘til I’m Yours

Went down the pub the other night‘
ad too many bevvies, gotta bit tight
Big blonde bird got me in her paws
Said, ‘’ands off darling, don’t come closer
Just like the sign in the old greengrocer
Don’t squeeze me ‘til I’m yours’
Don’t squeeze me ‘til I’m yours

Get yer hands orf me schmutter
I’ve been heard to mutter
Your heart may be in a flutter
Leave it out! Get back in the gutter
Don’t squeeze me ‘til I’m yours

My girlfriend down our street
Pretty and reet petite
Doing her daily chores
Let her throopney bits dangle
Got’em caught up in the mangle
I said ‘Don’t squeeze’m ‘til I’m yours!’

Up West one night with me mates
Got into dire straights
I was really in the wars
One of the our attackers
Grabbed me by the knackers
I said, ’Don’t squeeze’m, they’re not yours!’

I was working down the fairground
It’s easy money I have found
And it’s much better outdoors
There’s pretty girls there besides
On the dodgems and the rides
Don’t squeeze’m ‘til they’re yours

At the fair there’s loads of rockers
One their girls had great big knockers
I had one hand down her drawers
The other one on her tits
She wasn’t thrilled to bits
Said, ’Don’t squeeze’m, they’re not yours!’

I said ‘Babes, you’re a beauty
I’ve never had such a cutie’
But it never rains, but it pours
But right there and then I come
When I was fondling her bum
She said, ’Don’t squeeze it, it ain’t yours!’

Which i think is quite naughty and makes me feel suspect to even report on.

The dapper chap Christopher Mangen on the other hand saw similiarities with a big hit and responded

Goodbye Squeezebelly Lane,
You’re so very fat and I’m so vain,
I can see you, I can see you.
Eat some blackberries today, but don’t forget to ‘Move’ a little way.
Use a stick or if you wish a cane, but take a walk down Squeezebelly Lane.
I can see you, I can see…….

I sought to persuade him to finish the pastiche. We got as far as this

Don’t plagiarise other peoples’ songs,
It might cause a stink or quite a pong,
Phono. Soc. rings on your door,
“Pay a royalty or we’ll make you poor”,
Sneaking behind the sofa is of no use,
Man from Phono. Soc. sees through your ruse,
“I can see you, I can see you”
Through the mailbox, he shouts his abuse.

Even the mighty Tony Beckingham flopped

Sqeeze belly roll
Easy squeezy lemon drizzle cake
Belly pork fritters
Zebedee boings
Over the roundabout
And runs down the lane

All in all a travesty of a challenge. Can you make it better

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Three Things I Really Talked About This Week

Talked is a bit far fetched. There is an implication someone is there, listening and maybe responding. Much of the talk is in my head. It gets out. Technology allows it to. Zoom, Social Media. But even then I may still be talking to myself. I could check my analytics if i knew how to, to see if anyone is really following me. Regardless….


Yesterday I completed a set of three workshops working with young disabled artists on behalf of DASH -Disability Arts in Shropshire. For me it was the best of the three. Less possessed with techno gremlins but importantly I had found my voice. During the first two sessions I felt a little weighed down by content. I had two hours each session to go through self identification, the history of the Disability Arts Movement, Introducing the Social Model of Disability (usually a one day course) and my experiences as an activist whilst also throwing in some of my poetry. I had been on holiday the previous week and found the time to think through how I was going to do it this time. I looked at my hats in boxes labelled artist, trainer and plumped for the third one… activist. All my hat boxes contain passion but my activist hat is the one i feel most energetic, engaged under and I think is the hat that others respond to.

Note on self identification. Did I say the workshop was with young disabled artists. I found that very few participants identified as such. Many retained a preference for identifying in accordance with their impairments particularly those Dave Lupton recently denoted as newly emerging groups (very short and thoughtful article).


A big question of the year as been what is WOKE, why and wherefore the WOKE WARS. War. Conflict. Its about taking sides innit? Instinctively I have plumped for WOKE UNITED. Come on your WOKE WARRIORS. Young people. Passionate People. The type who care and are concerned about the planet, social justice, race relations. Those whose voices are clearly with the oppressed. Those whose voices are clearly against the haters. Our government hate them. I don’t go as far as to hate the government but you know…..

So am i WOKE? I don’t think so. Not quite and not quite yet. For a start i’m old enough to be someone’s grandad. But two things have made me sit up in my armchair and cheer and clap my hands. COME ON YOU WOKE WARRIORS. Did I say I’d been on holiday? Whilst away a nagging voice was having a go at young people, illiciting all their faults, disclaiming their woes and suddenly I found myself saying isn’t it us, aren’t we the ones who made the shithole we live in. I suddenly felt like my old friend grandma Sedley Bryden who was never short of opinions supporting the coming generations. Back home I decided to go through a social media account of one of the haters to see who and what he hated this week (after all its Wimbledon fortnight) and there it was….. hatred of the WOKE. I tried to engage this anti-woke in conversation (“grandad you love your kids. they’re millennials, snowflakes. Why do you want to slag them so”). Anti-grandad doesn’t want to know. The mistakes the WOKE GENERATION have made stick in his craw and that’s enough to raise the hate. So come on you WOKERs. This old man’s got your backs (mostly).


As an older man or as someone else would have it an elder (not an alderman) I can still cast my decrepit mind back and remember a time when the word was LOVE, peace signs and far out. Some friends who respond to my facebook prompts have had a bad week. From this distance all I can offer is love and i can only offer that by talking. So, i talk LOVE.

love letter from a sunflower

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A Crow

Big black bird pecking
At food concealed in plastic

Last week I did an online workshop. Crow says ‘I do workshops’. At the end when giving thanks someone said; ‘it was like having a celebrity in the room’. I said ‘stop it’ and later paused for thought.

The workshop was on Disability Arts and the Social Model of Disability. Come next June I will have been attached to the movement one way or another for 30 years. The people i did the workshop for, DASH; must have been saying something akin to original activist…. there since the start of it.

I felt like an elder states person and mailed a friend to celebrate this. She came back to say; ‘you underestimate the impact you have on people’ or ‘you don’t realise the impact you have’. Something like that. Shortly afterwards i receive a fabulous reference. Crow says; ‘I have impact and I get references’.

Next day I speak to my mentor. Crow says; ‘I have a mentor’. I talk to him about having successfully bid for a grant from Future Ventures Foundation. I’m not crowing. I’m asking is it useful to tell people i have been given a grant. He says; ‘crow about it’.

A new collaborator mails me to tell me we have won a grant from DIsability Arts Online Covid Commissions. Crow says; ‘i have a second grant’.

The first person I talked about mailing above has written me a grant application to the Arts Council. Such great support. Crow says; ‘Talk to the robin bob bob bobbing. You don’t know nothing yet’.

Crow says i’m no bird
I don’t flutter. I don’t fly.
Crow is just a word.

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